By Lynn Haraldson-Bering
Something we talk a lot about on this blog is support – where we find it and in what ways we use it, either on the Internet or in real life. I’d like to approach support from the other side, where you are the supporter and not the supported.
This subject is prompted by a reader who asked in an email: “Have you found it draining/difficult to focus on your own maintenance while supporting others with a similar struggle?”
In terms of support I lend through the Internet on both this blog and Lynn’s Weigh blog, no, I don’t find it difficult or draining most of the time. I get sad when I get an email from someone who is desperate to lose weight and tells me (and this has happened dozens of times, unfortunately), “You’re my only hope.” I choose my words very carefully when answering those emails, if I answer them at all. But those emails are few and far between, and I thoroughly enjoy being a supportive voice for readers, mostly because (and this is selfish, I know) of the incredible support I get in return. So being a supporter in this capacity is usually not one-sided, at least in my experience.
Being a supporter becomes difficult when a friend or an acquaintance I see frequently seeks my advice in a chronic way, and how I mean “chronic” is when there seems to be no self-realization on behalf of that friend or acquaintance that the power is only within themselves to change, that nothing I say will make a difference until they figure out their own path and consult their own mind and intentions for answers. When I get asked the same question over and over, or when the comments become, “Oh, I could NEVER stay away from chocolate…” or cookies, bread….you can fill in the blank, I usually have a difficult decision to make: stick with the relationship as it is and hope it changes or back off and not be as accessible.
I once had a friend with whom I exercised several times a week. After a few weeks I had to decide: do I stay behind and work at her pace or do I forge ahead and challenge myself to work harder? This was not an easy decision because I wanted to support my friend in her exercise routine, but at what cost to my own exercise needs? I decided to go off at my own pace and perhaps as a secondary benefit, model for her what it means to push harder for even greater results. This resulted in several negative comments and backhanded compliments that not only hurt my feelings, but hurt our relationship. After much soul searching, I realized that her issues went way beyond diet and exercise, and I could no longer be a supporter to such chronic negativity, mostly because it was impacting me much more than it should.
I still believe, though, that the best way to support people we see on a regular basis is by simply demonstrating how we reached our goals or continue to pursue living in a healthy manner through our actions – whether it’s through our food or exercise choices, or in the way we listen to their issues and temper our answers with patience.
I also believe it’s OK to let people see our flaws, too; our “mistakes” or poor choices. Not that most of us learn from other people’s mistakes, but helping people understand that they will make their own mistakes is important, and letting them know that it’s in how they recover and learn from those mistakes that matters most. Most of us at one time or other succumbed to a backslide, a mistake, and we might have looked to others to guide us out. Heck, I still do that! Look how many times I’ve asked all of you for your input? There’s nothing wrong with exposing our soft spots. It’s often how we gain the most knowledge.
To me, the most important thing to remember when being supportive is to take care of yourself first. I hope that in maintenance, you’ve found ways to center yourself, to not lose yourself to the needs and wants of other people. Remember the food pushers and the saboteurs who may have followed you down the scale? There are people as you maneuver through maintenance who will drain you if you don’t learn to say no and establish boundaries. You have the right to walk away. You have the right not to answer. You have the right to take care of yourself.
