By Barbara Berkeley
Negotiating success in maintenance reminds me of so many things: balancing on a bongo board, walking a tightrope, learning to sprint on tiptoe through a vast field of food, negotiating a temptation-jungle with blinders on. We tame the hungry lion with nothing more than our wits. We balance on the tip of a skyscraper-high food pyramid and all the while…we dance.
Maintainers are artists. They are skilled professionals. Their tricks and focus put others to shame. Don’t try this at home. Maintainers are the Cirque du Soleil of the diet world.
Like the final act of any circus, the end of the food year is our crucible, our most daring trick.
From Thanksgiving to Christmas, it will all be thrown at us. The cocoa, the cookies, the emotion, the cinnamon, the chocolate, the tear-jerker movies, the alcohol. We will need to somersault, leap and dodge in order to avoid being annihilated. And who will be triumphant? Not the most virtuous. Not even the most deserving. The ones left taking the final bow will be the most skilled.
I am now entering my sixth year of Primarian eating. Tonight, I prepare myself like a gladiator getting ready for battle. I sharpen my swords, I gird myself, I imagine the inevitable pumpkin-scented opponent. I am determined to remain standing at the end of it all. Are you preparing too?
My skills? Nothing fancy. Sometimes it’s mastery of the most basic techniques that gets a maintainer the furthest. So here are some of the skills I’ve practiced over and over. Hopefully, they are routine by now, ready for deployment as the year’s food circus comes to a close with its final eating lollapalooza:
1. The Old Scan and Plan: Don’t ever get caught in a corner. You should know what’s coming and have a plan to counterpunch. Imagine each holiday situation in as much detail as you can way before it ever happens. Plot a course through the food challenges. When the day comes, mentally check off each situation as you enact your plan. It’s your private game.
2. The Switcheroo: Everyone’s there for the food. Except you! Switch your reason for being at the dinner, family gathering, office party. You’re there to gather information by finding out at least one thing you never knew about five people in the room. You’re there to advance your career by finding someone at the party who can give you a lead. You’re there to see how many people you can get to ask you about your weight loss and how you did it. You’re there to change someone’s life by inspiring them to eat healther, be more like you. Set a goal. Keep track.
3. The Stare Down: For advanced maintainers only! For the true gladiator, there’s nothing more enjoyable than challenging yourself to a direct face-off with the food that used to control you. If you’ve passed the invisible barrier that separates maintenance junior (early maintainer) from SLIM (senior level maintainer), you might enjoy this trick, which is the equivalent of facing down a lion with nothing more than your expression. Go to the table, look at everything, and laugh. A good, loud, internal “HAH!” and a head toss help a lot.
4. The Dress for Success: Wear your best looking and most form fitting clothes. Let them talk to you as you negotiate that dangerous territory. The pressure of snug clothing will remind you of what your body has achieved and prevent you from filling up.
5. The Bring Your Own: A good trick for buffets, pot lucks and other challenges too. Bring a safe dish and make it something you can really load up on if there is little else that fits your rules. Generally, these clean, simple dishes go fast. After all, everyone recognizes healthy food…even if they don’t want to admit it.
There are lots of other tricks I use, but enough about me. Do you have holiday skills? Send them in. Tag them with a punchy name and include a short description. Let’s share the wealth! You’re not dancing alone, you’re not fighting alone, you’re not balancing alone. You’re part of a growing acrobatic troupe. A veritable army of skilled maintainers. Are you ready for the challenge? If so, I salute you!
“Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good FIGHT!”
